One’s Standing in the Community, Before pursuing a position in society, one must first determine what “position” truly means on a personal level. Does it signify social prominence and popularity, marked by an extensive and influential circle of friends? Or is it rooted in a sense of community impact, which may not involve extensive social activities? In other words, if you could have your ideal role bestowed by a magical wish, would you prefer to be seen as wealthy and grand, admired yet distant? Or would you rather be cherished for your compassion and approachability, seen as a peer rather than a power figure? This choice is within anyone’s reach—it simply depends on how one chooses to invest in the “Bank of Life.”
Ones Standing in the Community
THE BANK OF LIFE
Life, be it in the social or professional realm, is like a bank where we invest our qualities: character, intellect, and empathy, or conversely, traits like selfishness and indifference—or sometimes, nothing at all. What we put into this “bank” determines what we receive in return. If we seek respect and admiration from our community, we need only embody respectability and honor. The more value we deposit, the greater the return. It seems almost too obvious to state, yet surprisingly, many people invest nothing and still expect to gain admiration. True stature in a community comes from one’s character and contributions, not from wealth or superficial status. Whether affluent or not, a person is only as esteemed as their sincerity and impact. Similarly, a woman’s social standing based on shallow values is like a temporary fairground structure—impressive at first glance but quick to show its flimsy foundation under scrutiny.
It’s not my place to dictate how one should attain the highest position in the community; the path is written in one’s character, intelligence, compassion, and dedication to civic pride. However, the simpler, secondary goal of establishing a social presence is something for which practical advice can indeed be offered.
GAINING A SOCIAL POSITION
For a bride with established family connections, social status is often inherited, requiring little effort beyond taking her place within her family’s established circle. However, for someone new to a community or for someone who has always lived in the area but has been socially unrecognized, building a social standing is something that must be actively cultivated. Here’s an example of each scenario:
THE BRIDE WITH ESTABLISHED CONNECTIONS
When a bride comes from a family with an established social standing, she usually doesn’t need to take initiative in order to be accepted. After her wedding, once she settles into her new home, those who attended her wedding reception and many who attended only the ceremony will pay her a courtesy call. She should keep these visitors’ cards, record their names in a visiting or indexed notebook, and return their calls within two weeks. Following etiquette, a bride should inquire if the person is available when returning these initial calls.
Typically, she inherits the inner social circles of both her own and her husband’s families, regardless of whether these individuals formally visit her or not. Later on, if she hosts a tea or party, she has the freedom to invite anyone from these circles as she chooses. However, it’s generally considered polite to wait until acquaintances have invited her and her husband to their home before inviting them to hers. Close friends of her own, her husband’s, or her family’s are exceptions; she can invite them without hesitation.
Often, when a bride and groom return from their honeymoon, their friends and family will host events to welcome them, which helps them establish a social presence. By attending these gatherings, they become part of the community, and their presence often leads to more invitations. If they choose to remain private and avoid social events, they do not lose status, but they may not be immediately remembered. Active participation isn’t necessary to maintain a presence—charming manners and friendliness are enough to ensure they are well-liked. The key is to be courteous and gracious to everyone, particularly the older hosts who extend invitations. This doesn’t mean being overly familiar; a simple, polite greeting goes a long way.
A truly well-mannered person is polite and warm to all, without fawning over anyone, and makes no distinction in treatment between the socially prominent and those less so, provided the acquaintance is of a similar formality. Warmth and charm should be extended equally to everyone, but without unnecessary enthusiasm or insincerity.
THE STRANGER BRIDE
A bride who is unfamiliar with her new community but is married to a well-known local man finds herself in a situation similar to that of her socially established counterpart. Her husband’s acquaintances will naturally reach out to her, and as she returns their calls, many will extend invitations for her to visit their homes. However, it becomes her responsibility to foster friendships; without effort on her part, she may find herself surrounded by acquaintances but lacking true friends.
To cultivate likability, the essential traits are a cheerful demeanor, genuine behavior, and an empathetic outlook. If she possesses these qualities, she will navigate her new social landscape with ease. In contrast, a woman who adopts a pretentious attitude or displays arrogance will encounter numerous difficulties. Similarly, a newcomer from a major city, like New York, who moves to a smaller town like Brightmeadows and constantly compares it to the high-rises of her hometown may quickly alienate herself. In such cases, she might be better off returning to her previous environment.
On the other hand, a bride from Brightmeadows who marries a New Yorker should avoid imposing her hometown values on her new surroundings. For example, if she disapproves of women smoking, she should keep her opinions to herself rather than criticize others openly. While she may hold her views, flaunting them could lead to feelings of isolation in her new city. If she is unable to embrace the differences, she might find herself feeling very lonely in New York.
HOW NEWCOMERS ESTABLISH SOCIAL STATUS
When newcomers arrive in a community armed with letters of introduction to influential individuals, they come with a pre-established social status that correlates directly to the reputation of the person who wrote those letters. Since only individuals of recognized standing can provide such endorsements, these newcomers possess a certain level of social credibility. However, the focus here is on those who lack both established position and introductions, exploring how they can build their own social standing.
The journey to gaining social recognition is often long and arduous, especially for couples in a bustling city environment. For instance, in a place like New York, it’s possible for residents to live next door to each other for years without ever becoming acquainted. This lack of familiarity is also prevalent in other major cities, such as London. Typically, people relocate due to work-related reasons, leading the husband to forge business connections while the wife may find herself isolated.
To break this solitude, it’s advisable for her to join a local church and engage in its activities. This not only provides a pathway to meet new acquaintances and foster friendships but also offers a meaningful way to combat loneliness. Gaining social recognition usually unfolds slowly—there’s no need to rush the process. If she possesses genuine character, intelligence, and amiable manners, a suitable position will eventually materialize, reflective of her qualities.
Through her involvement at the church, she may be invited to social gatherings by a fellow member who appreciates her company. While these invitations may not immediately lead to close friendships, they create opportunities for further introductions. Over time, she may encounter familiar faces at various events, leading to reciprocal invitations.
One essential guideline to remember is that being overly eager or presumptuous can be detrimental. She should maintain her dignity, being approachable yet not overly forward. A warm smile can go a long way, but after acknowledging others, it’s best to move along without lingering. If invited to visit someone, it is appropriate to accept, but she should refrain from initiating subsequent visits until the invitation is returned. Additionally, when visiting for the first time, it’s wise to keep the visit brief—about twenty minutes—leaving her host with a desire for more rather than wondering why the guest overstayed their welcome.
THE PATH FOR OUTSIDERS
For those who lack a familiar background, entering social circles can be even more challenging, as they must navigate an additional barrier of perception that labels them as “people without standing.” This gate can be difficult to open, especially for those who simply wait outside, hoping to be invited in.
The most effective way for someone without the advantage of social pedigree to gain acceptance is through personal development and demonstrating eligibility. In the meantime, participating in charitable or civic activities can provide engagement and expose them to well-mannered individuals. By associating with these people, newcomers can gradually acquire the social graces that will help unlock the gates to society.
WHEN SOCIAL STATUS HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED
Once a newcomer has successfully integrated into a community, particularly if her husband is part of a club or if she herself holds membership, the strict adherence to social etiquette becomes less critical. If friendly neighbors and socially prominent individuals have welcomed her and extended invitations, she no longer needs to meticulously follow the rules of reciprocity in her initial visits and invitations. After a few shared meals, the obligation to keep track of whether invitations have been reciprocated multiple times diminishes significantly. A hospitable person can invite friends to her home as often as she desires, and those friends will reciprocate out of goodwill.
When Mrs. Oldname visits Mrs. Stranger for the first time, Mrs. Stranger can simply return the visit without feeling pressured to extend an invitation right away. It would be considered presumptuous for her to invite someone of considerable social standing until after receiving an invitation herself. Similarly, Mrs. Stranger should refrain from inviting the Oldnames to dinner if her only interaction has been a tea invitation. However, once Mrs. Oldname invites Mrs. Stranger to lunch, she can then extend a dinner invitation in return. After this, the Strangers may continue to host the Oldnames, regardless of whether they receive reciprocal invitations, especially if the Strangers are frequently entertaining while the Oldnames are not.
It’s important for the Strangers to ensure their gatherings are not exclusively tailored for the benefit of certain fashionable individuals. They are free to invite the friends of their children from school, and Mrs. Stranger can pick up her children from a gathering where they were invited by their peers.
WEALTH IS NOT A REQUIREMENT FOR SOCIAL POSITION
In many social circles, bachelors and young couples, particularly those without substantial financial resources, are not expected to host parties. Hosts often invite single men and younger couples without anticipating any obligation beyond common courtesy. There are numerous couples, regardless of age, who remain highly sought after in social settings despite not throwing lavish parties. Take the Lovejoys, for example: they are universally adored for their charm, yet they do not possess significant wealth. While they may not have as extensive a wardrobe as some of their more fashionable peers, their appeal is not contingent upon constant wardrobe changes. As noted by Mrs. Worldly, “What good would Celia Lovejoy’s beauty be if it relied on an ever-changing collection of outfits?”
The Lovejoys primarily host casual afternoon teas and occasional Welsh rarebit dinners, but they reciprocate hospitality by contributing to the enjoyment of gatherings they attend. Both are engaging conversationalists and bring an enjoyable presence wherever they go. Although they cannot afford to gamble with money, they are excellent card players, and their skills are welcomed at the table. This illustrates a gentleman’s conduct: young Lovejoy could likely win money at cards due to his exceptional skills, but using card games as a means to profit would contradict the principles of gentlemanly behavior, just as wagering beyond one’s means turns the activity into gambling.
AN ELUSIVE KEY TO SOCIAL SUCCESS
One of the most critical yet elusive aspects of social etiquette is understanding whom to invite to gatherings. This skill can significantly determine the social success of one individual while leading to the failure of another. For newcomers, it can be incredibly challenging to discern which individuals harbor feelings of affection or disdain toward one another without guidance. A potential hostess must develop the ability to read social cues—similar to how a skilled woodsman interprets messages in nature—by observing the subtle signs of rapport or animosity.
An observant hostess can quickly differentiate between genuine warmth and polite distance. When a woman seems unusually quiet, maintains an impersonal tone, and appears unapproachable, it often signals discomfort with someone present. The key question then becomes: who or what is the source of her unease? The most significant error would be to inquire directly about her feelings. The cause of her discomfort likely stems from a distaste for a particular person, and a perceptive hostess should identify and, if possible, separate the conflicting parties or avoid inviting them together in the future.
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