know Behaviour correct form

know Behaviour correct form , The term “present” is preferred over “introduce” in formal settings. In informal situations, neither word is typically spoken but implied, as will be shown later. The proper formal introduction follows this format:

“Mrs. Jones, may I present Mr. Smith?” or, “Mr. Distinguished, may I present Mr. Young?”

The younger individual is always presented to the older or more distinguished person, but a gentleman is always presented to a lady, regardless of his age or status, even if she is much younger.

A lady is never presented to a man, except when introducing her to the President of the United States, a cardinal, or a reigning monarch. For example:

To the President: “Mr. President, it is my privilege to introduce Mrs. Jones from Chicago.”

To a Cardinal: ‘Your Eminence, I would like to introduce Mrs. Jones.’

To a King: After all formalities have been addressed, the introduction is made by relaying the name through a functionary to the royal attendant, who merely states, ‘Mrs. Jones,’ to the King or Queen.

For a Foreign Ambassador: “Mr. Ambassador, may I present you to Mrs. Jones?”

In polite society, formal titles are seldom employed during introductions. A hostess might say, “Mrs. Jones, may I introduce the Duke of Overthere?” or “Lord Blank?” but would never use “His Grace” or “His Lordship.

Titles like “Honorable” are simplified to “Mr. Lordson” or “Mr. Holdoffice.” Doctors, judges, and bishops are introduced with their titles, while clergy members are typically addressed as “Mister,” unless they possess a formal title such as Doctor, Dean, or Canon. Catholic priests are addressed as “Father Kelly.” Senators are always introduced as “Senator,” whether currently in office or not. However, a former President of the United States is simply addressed as “Mr.” and not “Ex-President.”

 

 

know Behaviour correct form

 The Common Practice of Introductions and Proper Inflection

In casual introductions, such as “Mrs. Worldly, Mrs. Norman,” if both names are spoken with the same tone, it can be unclear who is being introduced to whom. However, by emphasizing the name of the more prominent individual with a rising inflection, the introduction becomes as clear as if “May I present” had been used.

The more important name is said with a slight upward inflection, while the less important name is spoken as a straightforward fact. For example, consider the difference between saying, “Are you there?” and “It is raining!” Using the same pattern, say, “Mrs. Worldly?”—”Mrs. Younger!”

• Are you there?—It is raining!
• Mrs. Worldly?—Mrs. Younger!

Traditionally, an unmarried woman is introduced to a married one, unless the latter is significantly younger. However, when introducing two women or two men to one another, no distinction is made: “Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Norman” or “Mr. Brown, Mr. Green.” The inflection should be similar to:

• I think—it’s going to rain!
• Mrs. Smith—Mrs. Norman!

When introducing a man, it typically goes like this: “Mrs. Worldly, may I present Mr. Norman?” However, when introducing a highly distinguished individual, a mother might say:

• “Mr. Edison, my daughter Mary!”

For a young man, she would say, “Mr. Struthers, have you met my daughter?” If the daughter is married, she should add, “My daughter, Mrs. Smartlington.” The daughter’s first name is left out because it is considered poor etiquette, except in the South, to refer to one’s daughter as “Miss Mary” to anyone other than a servant. Likewise, a young man should not be introduced directly to “Mary,” but he can easily learn her name afterward.

OTHER FORMS OF INTRODUCTION
Other permissible forms of introduction are:
“Mrs. Jones, do you know Mrs. Norman?”
or,
“Mrs. Jones, you know Mrs. Robinson, don’t you?” (on no account say “Do you
not?” Best Society always says “don’t you?”)
or,
“Mrs. Robinson, have you met Mrs. Jones?”
or,
“Mrs. Jones, do you know my mother?”
or,
“This is my daughter Ellen, Mrs. Jones.”
All of these introductions are considered proper, whether they involve gentlemen meeting ladies, ladies meeting ladies, or gentlemen meeting gentlemen. When introducing a gentleman to a lady, you may inquire of Mr. Smith whether he has met Mrs. Jones, but you should not ask Mrs. Jones if she has met Mr. Smith!

 

Forms of Introductions to Avoid

Refrain from phrases like, “Mr. Jones, please shake hands with Mr. Smith,” or “Mrs. Jones, I’d like to introduce you to Mrs. Smith.”.” Never use the phrase “make you acquainted with,” and when introducing people, do not refer to one as “my friend.” It’s acceptable to say “my aunt,” “my sister,” or “my cousin,” but calling someone “my friend” is not only poor etiquette but can also be rude. It suggests that Mrs. Smith is “my friend” while the other person is not.

You can say to Mr. Smith, ” I’d like you to meet Mrs. Jones,” but this is considered an informal introduction and should not be mentioned in Mrs. Jones’ presence. When leading Mr. Smith to Mrs. Jones, say, “Mrs. Jones, may I present Mr. Smith” or simply, “Mrs. Jones; Mr. Smith.” Under no circumstances should you say, “Mr. Smith, meet Mrs. Jones,” or “Mrs. Jones, meet Mr. Smith.” Both are incorrect.

Do not repeat names unnecessarily, such as “Mrs. Jones? Mrs. Smith! Mrs. Smith? Mrs. Jones!” Saying each name once is sufficient.

Most people dislike being directly asked for their names. Asking “What is your name?” comes across as abrupt and impolite. If you’re curious about someone you’ve just spoken with, you can ask a third party afterward, “Who was the lady with the grey feather in her hat?” The next time you encounter her, you can greet her appropriately by name.

 

When to Shake Hands

When two men are introduced, they always shake hands.

When a man is introduced to a woman, she may extend her hand, especially if she has heard of him through mutual friends. However, if he’s a complete stranger, she usually just bows slightly and says, “How do you do?” Technically, it is the woman’s choice to offer her hand, but if the man extends his hand, it would be rude for her to ignore it. A well-mannered woman would never refuse to shake an honorable hand, even if it’s from someone of lower status, like a laborer, regardless of her pristine white gloves.

People who have engaged in conversation usually do not shake hands when parting, but there are no strict rules. A woman might shake hands after talking with a casual stranger or choose not to after speaking with someone introduced formally.

Etiquette is flexible, especially regarding how we interact with strangers. There’s a difference between being rude and being reserved. You can be polite while still remaining distant with someone who doesn’t appeal to you, or you can be friendly with someone you instantly like. Personal temperament plays a role too: some are naturally reserved, while others are more outgoing. The latter tends to shake hands more frequently. As mentioned, it’s always rude to refuse a hand that is offered, but you don’t have to offer yours if you’d rather not.

What to Say When Introduced

In polite society, the proper response to an introduction is simply “How do you do?” There are no acceptable alternatives. For instance, if Mr. Bachelor says, “Mrs. Worldly, may I present Mr. Anderson?” Mrs. Worldly should respond with “How do you do?” Mr. Anderson then bows without saying anything. Repeating the name in a sing-song or overly sweet tone, such as “Mr. Andeersson?” is considered poor etiquette. Such artificial niceties, along with other affectations like exaggerated handshakes or awkward finger positioning, are in bad taste.

Well-mannered individuals avoid phrases like “Charmed” or “Pleased to meet you.” Instead, conversation tends to flow naturally. For example, after being introduced to Mrs. Worldly, Mr. Anderson might be met with, “I hear you’re staying in New York for the winter?” He could respond, “Yes, I’m attending Columbia Law School,” or, acknowledging the age difference, “Yes, Mrs. Worldly,” particularly if his answer would otherwise be brief. It’s unnecessary to keep repeating her name during the conversation.

 

Taking Leave of Someone You’ve Just Met

When you are leaving after conversing with someone you’ve just met, and the interaction was pleasant, it’s appropriate to say, “Goodbye, I’m glad to have met you,” or “Goodbye, I hope to see you again soon,” or “sometime.” The other person might reply with a simple “Thank you,” or add, “I hope so, too,” though “Thank you” is usually sufficient.

When leaving a group of strangers—whether you were introduced to them or just part of the conversation—you should bow or nod “goodbye” to those who are paying attention to you, but there’s no need to try to catch the eye of others who may not notice your departure.

 

 Introducing One Person to a Group

Introducing a single individual to a large group is generally not customary at formal events. However, at smaller gatherings, such as a luncheon, the hostess often facilitates these introductions.

Imagine you are hosting a small luncheon. You might not be positioned right next to the guests, but you are close to the entrance. If Mrs. Taylor is sitting nearby with Mrs. Harris, while Miss Green and Miss White are farther away, you can proceed as follows:

When Mrs. Jones arrives, you step forward to greet her and shake hands, then pause briefly to see if she recognizes anyone. If she appears unfamiliar with the others, you would say, “Mrs. Taylor, do you know Mrs. Jones?” Mrs. Taylor, being nearby, would then rise to shake hands with Mrs. Jones and sit back down. If Mrs. Taylor is older and Mrs. Jones is younger, she might simply extend her hand without standing. After introducing Mrs. Jones, you continue with “Mrs. Harris,” and then look across the room to add, “Miss Green, Miss White—this is Mrs. Jones!” Depending on their ages, Mrs. Harris may rise to shake hands, while the others might simply bow.

At larger luncheons, you might introduce Mrs. Jones to both Mrs. Taylor and Mrs. Harris, allowing her to find someone to converse with. If new guests arrive, Mrs. Jones can find her own spot and engage in conversation with those nearby without needing to state her name or ask about theirs.

In more intimate settings, like luncheons, dinners, or house parties, a host’s presence is often enough to serve as an introduction among guests. However, this does not apply to larger events like balls or receptions. At meals, it is common for people to engage with those seated near them, even without formal introductions. In a casual environment, like a drawing room, it’s unnecessary for two acquaintances to formally acknowledge each other again after a brief conversation.

 

New York’s Bad Manners

New York’s poor manners are frequently criticized, often justifiably so. The underlying issue is often carelessness rather than outright disregard, but the result remains a lack of awareness and, at times, rudeness.

It’s not uncommon for a New Yorker to sit next to an honored guest at dinner and then fail to recognize them the next day. This behavior is not necessarily intentional; rather, many New Yorkers lack the enthusiasm to remember all the new faces they encounter, allowing those who do not capture their attention to fade from memory. This indifference is sadly true; few are as oblivious to the world outside their immediate concerns as the socially fashionable New Yorker—perhaps only rivaled by Londoners. The late Theodore Roosevelt was a notable exception, and thankfully, there are others like him. However, there are enough individuals with this self-absorbed demeanor to justify the frustrations expressed by those from other, more gracious cities.

In many places outside of London, the desire for self-improvement—or even the more generous qualities of hospitality and consideration—encourages people of good breeding to engage with strangers and learn about their experiences, talents, or perspectives. They also strive to remember those for whom a mutual friend hosts an event. In contrast, for fashionable New Yorkers, a luncheon at one-thirty is simply a precursor to whatever occupies their attention next.

Most people on the Atlantic Coast generally dislike making introductions and do so as infrequently as possible. In the West, however, individuals may feel uncomfortable in a room full of strangers. Thus, whether or not to introduce people can become not just a question of propriety, but also a matter of local custom.

 

Never Introduce Unnecessarily

Determining when to introduce people can be one of the more challenging aspects of social etiquette. While a helpful guideline is to introduce individuals “whenever it’s necessary to bridge an awkward situation,” this definition, while accurate, can be vague. A hostess who allows a guest to stand awkwardly in the middle of her drawing-room is just as inappropriate as one who forcibly introduces every acquaintance at every opportunity. Therefore, the fundamental rule is to avoid unnecessary introductions.

 

What Are the Necessary Occasions?

The most important occasions for introductions are those involving guests of honor, whether they are distinguished individuals at a dinner, a bride and groom, or a debutante being introduced to society. It is considered highly rude for anyone attending an event in honor of someone not to formally meet them, even if they may struggle to remember the name later.

 

Introductions at a Dinner

The host must ensure that every gentleman either knows or is introduced to the lady he will sit next to at dinner. If this introduction is missed, it’s common for guests sitting beside each other to introduce themselves. A gentleman might say, “How do you do, Mrs. James? I’m Arthur Robinson,” or he could show his place card and say, “I need to introduce myself; this is my name.” The lady might respond, “I am Mrs. Hunter James,” to which the gentleman replies, “How do you do, Mrs. James? My name is Titherington Smith.”

In New York, it’s not unusual for those seated next to each other to engage in conversation without formal introductions, especially if they can read each other’s names on the place cards.

 

Other Necessary Introductions

Even in the most casual social circles in New York, certain introductions are always made, including:

• Small groups of people who will sit together, whether at a table or elsewhere.
• Dinner partners.
• Guests at a house party.
• Everyone at a small dinner or luncheon.
• The four players at a bridge table.
• Partners or fellow participants in any game.

At a dance, when a stranger has been invited, the friend who recommended him should personally introduce him to the hostess by saying, “Mrs. Worldly, this is Mr. Robinson, whom you said I could bring.” The hostess then shakes hands, smiles, and responds, “I’m very pleased to meet you, Mr. Robinson.”

A guest sitting in a box at the opera should introduce any gentleman who approaches her to her hostess unless the hostess is engaged in conversation with someone else or if the distance between them makes the introduction awkward.

When a new visitor arrives in a lady’s drawing-room, they should not be introduced to another guest who is preparing to leave. Additionally, if two people are engaged in a lively conversation, it’s best not to interrupt them for a third-party introduction. Also, individuals should not be led around the room for introductions at every turn.

If two ladies or young girls are walking together and encounter a third who stops to speak to one of them, the other should continue walking and not wait awkwardly for an introduction. If the one being addressed is invited to join the other two, then the friend can be brought into the conversation. However, the third person should only join if specifically invited.

At very large dinners, collective introductions are not typical, aside from those sitting next to each other. After dinner, men often converse with those nearby in the smoking room or at the table, and ladies do the same in the drawing room. However, unless they meet again soon or find each other particularly engaging, they typically return to being strangers, regardless of whether they were introduced.

Some etiquette experts discuss “correct introductions” that imply future obligations and “incorrect introductions” that carry no such expectations. However, in high society, the nuances of introductions are generally irrelevant; how one is introduced or even if an introduction occurs has little bearing on social acceptance or rejection.

In major cities, introductions are often taken lightly; they resemble ships passing in the night, exchanging polite words and pleasant manners before moving on.

If you meet someone for the second time, particularly if your first encounter was forgettable, there’s no need to reference it. If someone introduces you to Mrs. Smith again, you can smile and say, “I’ve already met Mrs. Smith,” but if your previous meeting was long ago and lacking in interest, you don’t need to mention it at all. Most social rules are flexible and adapt to the situation. While you don’t need to remind Mrs. Smith of your prior meeting, if you see someone who was particularly kind to you or someone who was introduced at your home, it’s natural to say, “I’m so glad to see you again.”

 

Including Someone in Conversation Without an Introduction

Sometimes, while speaking with one person, you may want to include another in the conversation without formally introducing them. For example, if you are discussing gardening with a seedsman and a friend joins you, you can greet your friend and then include her by saying, “Mr. Smith is suggesting that I dig up these cannas and replace them with delphiniums.” Whether your friend offers her opinion on the change in your flowerbed or not, she has now been included in the discussion.

This same strategy can be used when you’re unsure whether the individuals you’ve brought together will be agreeable to a formal introduction.

 

Unnecessary Introductions

It is important to refrain from introducing individuals to one another in public settings unless you are absolutely certain that both parties will appreciate the introduction. Making such introductions, especially to someone of importance, can lead to significant social missteps, particularly in confined spaces like ships or hotels, where individuals find it hard to avoid unwanted acquaintances after an introduction.

In large cities, introductions tend to lose their significance. In New York, for example, where people frequently encounter new faces and rarely see the same person more than once a year, it’s challenging to remember those you wish to reconnect with, while many others quickly fade from memory.

People in polite society typically do not request introductions; however, if there is a legitimate reason to know someone, they often introduce themselves. For instance, Mary Smith might say, “Mrs. Jones, aren’t you a friend of my mother’s? I am Mrs. Titherington Smith’s daughter.” Mrs. Jones might respond with warmth, acknowledging their shared history. Alternatively, an elder might say, “Aren’t you Mary Smith? I’ve known your mother since she was your age,” while a younger woman might approach Mrs. Worldly and say, “Aren’t you Mrs. Worldly?” If Mrs. Worldly seems distant but answers affirmatively, the stranger could add, “I believe my sister Millicent Manners is a friend of yours,” prompting a more friendly response from Mrs. Worldly.

Self-introductions must be made with caution and should not come off as presumptuous. For example, it would be inappropriate for Alice to introduce herself to Mrs. Worldly if her sister has only a casual acquaintance with her.

 

A Business Visit, Not an Introduction

When a lady visits another to request a reference for a servant or to seek help for a charity, such a meeting should not be considered a proper introduction, even if they engage in conversation for an hour. A handshake upon departing would also be inappropriate. Conversely, neighbors who frequently encounter each other may naturally begin to say “How do you do?” even if they never become acquaintances.

 

The Courteous Response to a Forgotten Acquaintance

If someone addresses you and then awkwardly admits, “You don’t remember me, do you?” the polite response—assuming their demeanor seems sincere—is to reply, “Of course I do.” If casual conversation reveals no further clues about their identity, you can discreetly inquire about the person who approached you. Often, this individual turns out to be someone you should know, and by concealing your forgetfulness, you avoid the embarrassment of bluntly stating, “I don’t remember you.”

If Mr. Jones misidentifies you by name after being introduced, you may initially let it slide. However, if he continues to make the same mistake, you can gently correct him by saying, “My name is Simpson, not Simpkin.”

At private dances, it has become common for young men to introduce their male friends to young women without seeking prior permission. All attendees at a lady’s gathering are generally considered eligible for introduction.

At public balls, however, young men and women often remain within their established circles, rarely encountering outsiders. In such situations, a gentleman should be cautious about introducing someone he knows little about to a lady he is acquainted with. He might say, “There’s a gentleman named Sliders who would like to meet you. I don’t know him well, but he seems decent. Should I introduce him?” The lady can then respond with a “Yes” or “I’d prefer not to.”

 

Introduction by Letter

An introduction via letter carries more weight than a casual spoken introduction, which typically involves no commitment. This is discussed in detail in the chapter on letters, which also includes sample letters.

A letter of introduction is given to you unsealed, and it is proper to seal it immediately in the presence of the person who provided it. You would express gratitude to your friend for writing it before continuing on your way.

If you are a man and your introduction is to a woman, you should visit her home soon after arriving in her city and leave the letter along with your card at her door. Typically, you wouldn’t request a meeting; however, if it is between 4 and 6 PM, it is acceptable to do so. Presenting yourself with a letter can feel awkward, so many people prefer to leave their cards without asking to be received.

When introducing yourself to a man, you would send the letter by mail unless it is for business, in which case you should deliver it to his office along with your card and wait in the reception area until he calls you into his private office.

For women, the proper approach is to mail the letter of introduction and wait for a response. If the recipient leaves her card with you, you should reciprocate by leaving your own card in return. The obligation of a written introduction is such that only illness could excuse the recipient from not inviting you to her home, either formally or informally.

When a man receives a letter introducing another man, he should call the individual introduced and inquire how he can assist him. If he does not invite him to his home, he may host him at his club or arrange a lunch or dinner at a restaurant, depending on the situation.

 

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